I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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