Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
