why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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