why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
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