tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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