I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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