the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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