3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
