Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
