As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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