3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
