i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
