i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
