Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
