I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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