Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
