You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
