The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
