Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
