There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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