too bad you live with your parents still
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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