did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
