I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
