i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
