His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
