You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
