he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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