You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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