I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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