I think im going to throw up on grandma
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
