I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
