it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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