Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
