let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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