I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
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