so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
