i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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