im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
