Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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