u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
