The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
