I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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