dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
