First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
