You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
