so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
