This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
