Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You smell like stripper and shame
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
