Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
