i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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