The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
